Well, I did my performance last week. I spent right up until the interval of the hafla thinking I should just bow out, plead illness or something, because I was so nervous. Maybe I should have done so after all...
I don't think my performance was bad. I just definitely am not as happy with it as I have been with other dances. It just felt like I was doing the same moves over and over, which didn't even feel like particularly interesting moves. I did only a few of the things I had planned, and only remembered the other things when I was at a completely different part of the music. Judging from the reaction I got from other people as well I think I wasn't up to my usual standard. Not that anyone said it was rubbish or anything, I can just tell. Or is that me projecting my own thoughts onto them? :)
I guess I'll be able to tell for sure when the DVD comes out. (this hafla is filmed) I didn't get anyone to film me on my own camera, which is probably just as well as I wouldn't even have wanted to watch it yet :)
The thing is, I don't feel as bad as I thought I would after performing "badly". Like I said, I don't think it was bad, just not great (Now I'm thinking about how this paragraph is going to be revisited when I get the DVD, lol) There was a moment just after the dance when I kinda wanted to run to the bathroom and cry, but I was on the other side of the room, so had to hold it in till at least after the dancer who was on had finished, and by then the almost-tears had subsided. Now, I just feel like it's in the past - I can't change it, but I can work harder next time and make the next performance better. That is a very strange thing for me to think. Normally, after doing something "badly" I would just give up on whatever activity I was doing and go hide in a corner. But really, it's not making me depressed or anything like it normally would. I'm just kind of meh about it. (lol, meh about the bleugh!) Again, this statement will probably be completely different after watching the DVD :) Just have to wait and see.
Things I've learned from this:
I find this song somewhat intimidating and hard to perform to. (It was Habibi Ya Eini by Nourhanne) I love the song, but somehow I find it difficult. I should maybe try choreograph a routine to it instead of trying to improvise. maybe some songs are just better choreographed.
To pay attention to my feelings before a performance. If I'm that nervous again, I will either cancel my performance, or arrange to change the music to something I'm comfortable with.
To try even harder to not look at the scary non-smiling person in the front row. Arg! I think a whole blog post needs to be written about how to be a supportive audience member, and then it needs to be emailed out! OK, not going so far as to email it, because that sort of person wouldn't pay attention to it anyway, but it definitely needs written. And I need to work on strategies for ignoring that type of audience member. I tried to concentrate on the smiley, friendly people in the audience, but you know how it is, you just keep looking back to see if they're smiling yet. And it doesn't help your confidence or your performance.
That maybe this hafla and venue is just not a good one for me. I don't think I've ever performed to my best there in the few years I've been dancing at it. I don't know if it's the size of the hall, or the fact that it's being filmed, or what, but something isn't working for me.
That it really doesn't matter if you have an off day (of course I'm speaking for non-professional, amateur hafla performances here). There were so many other fantastic dancers there that nobody will really remember (and of course, I'm ignoring the fact that there will be a DVD!) Sure, I wanted to dance as well as those others, but it didn't happen that time. Next time I will. Performance levels, like everything else in life, go up and down, and all I can do is my best at the time.
Blimey, that's all a bit positive and pro-active! :D I've still got lots to think of about it, and I'm a bit nervous about the DVD popping through my letterbox, but really, a performance that isn't great is not the end of the world. I just have to pick up my sparkly costume and keep going. At least my top didn't pop off or anything (got to look on the bright side!) :D
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