Confidence Issues

Recently I've had a few problems with my confidence levels, in that it's all but disappeared :/ This is a recurring problem that I have, stemming from childhood bullying. As I get older, it gets easier to recognize when my confidence levels are dropping, and I develop a few more strategies, but it still really affects my life.

Dancing has increased my confidence amazingly. Before I started dancing, there were things I just would.not.do. I could not talk to people, at all. I could not express myself through words, and before dance, this was the only way I thought possible to express myself. There was no way that I would ever have considered getting up in front of a crowd of people, I would have run home to my bedroom and locked the door behind me first. I would never have considered myself able to organize anything. My only job had been summer employment, and there seemed no hope of anything else because of my horrible interview skills.

I recognize that I have come on a hell of a lot in the past 6 years. In my 30s, I feel similar to how I think I should have felt confidence-wise as a teenager. This may not seem like much, but it's far better than the child-like level I feel I was at before.

Through dance, I can express my emotions. I dance how the music makes me feel. Whether or not that is apparent to anyone watching is a whole other matter that I'm not even going to consider. See? I like other people's approval, but it's no longer my be-all-and-end-all. Much improvement! And I think that this being able to express my emotions thing has made me a little better at using words to do so, or at least being able to use body language in a conversation to help my expression.

I feel more able to do things. I seem to have some ability to dance (again, I'm telling myself this and telling myself not to think about whether other people think I have that ability), and seeing that I have this ability has made me realize that I have others. I've helped to organize various bellydance events, and I think that when circumstances allow me to enter the job market, I'll be a lot more confident about my abilities to do said job. I may even get past the first interview stage, who knows?

But that doesn't stop me dipping, unfortunately. Lately, I've been staying away from classes and social engagements because I just don't feel up to being in a large group (more than three counts as large right now, and that's including myself in the group!) I'm due to perform at a local hafla next Saturday, and I have so many nerves right now that I can't sleep for the music running through my head. I've been thinking about canceling my spot... I still don't know what I'm going to do about it. I have a video of myself dancing a hafla a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't even watched it yet, because I don't want to hate what I see :/

I know that eventually I'll come out of this dip, and be scheduling myself into every hafla possible. I'll be wiggling and shimmying in front of loads of people, and really enjoying it (my Mum still laughs (not meanly, just surprised!) when she sees videos of me, it seems so unlike me to her!). But that doesn't help right now. Forcing myself to go to class does make me feel better at the time, but there are some days when I just can't face it. I can barely get myself to go into the living room to see visitors, never mind make it to class. I suppose it's a massive improvement to know that it will go away eventually, and I have to satisfy myself with that and watching youtube videos of bellydance. That always makes me smile :)