Well, I did my performance last week. I spent right up until the interval of the hafla thinking I should just bow out, plead illness or something, because I was so nervous. Maybe I should have done so after all...
I don't think my performance was bad. I just definitely am not as happy with it as I have been with other dances. It just felt like I was doing the same moves over and over, which didn't even feel like particularly interesting moves. I did only a few of the things I had planned, and only remembered the other things when I was at a completely different part of the music. Judging from the reaction I got from other people as well I think I wasn't up to my usual standard. Not that anyone said it was rubbish or anything, I can just tell. Or is that me projecting my own thoughts onto them? :)
I guess I'll be able to tell for sure when the DVD comes out. (this hafla is filmed) I didn't get anyone to film me on my own camera, which is probably just as well as I wouldn't even have wanted to watch it yet :)
The thing is, I don't feel as bad as I thought I would after performing "badly". Like I said, I don't think it was bad, just not great (Now I'm thinking about how this paragraph is going to be revisited when I get the DVD, lol) There was a moment just after the dance when I kinda wanted to run to the bathroom and cry, but I was on the other side of the room, so had to hold it in till at least after the dancer who was on had finished, and by then the almost-tears had subsided. Now, I just feel like it's in the past - I can't change it, but I can work harder next time and make the next performance better. That is a very strange thing for me to think. Normally, after doing something "badly" I would just give up on whatever activity I was doing and go hide in a corner. But really, it's not making me depressed or anything like it normally would. I'm just kind of meh about it. (lol, meh about the bleugh!) Again, this statement will probably be completely different after watching the DVD :) Just have to wait and see.
Things I've learned from this:
I find this song somewhat intimidating and hard to perform to. (It was Habibi Ya Eini by Nourhanne) I love the song, but somehow I find it difficult. I should maybe try choreograph a routine to it instead of trying to improvise. maybe some songs are just better choreographed.
To pay attention to my feelings before a performance. If I'm that nervous again, I will either cancel my performance, or arrange to change the music to something I'm comfortable with.
To try even harder to not look at the scary non-smiling person in the front row. Arg! I think a whole blog post needs to be written about how to be a supportive audience member, and then it needs to be emailed out! OK, not going so far as to email it, because that sort of person wouldn't pay attention to it anyway, but it definitely needs written. And I need to work on strategies for ignoring that type of audience member. I tried to concentrate on the smiley, friendly people in the audience, but you know how it is, you just keep looking back to see if they're smiling yet. And it doesn't help your confidence or your performance.
That maybe this hafla and venue is just not a good one for me. I don't think I've ever performed to my best there in the few years I've been dancing at it. I don't know if it's the size of the hall, or the fact that it's being filmed, or what, but something isn't working for me.
That it really doesn't matter if you have an off day (of course I'm speaking for non-professional, amateur hafla performances here). There were so many other fantastic dancers there that nobody will really remember (and of course, I'm ignoring the fact that there will be a DVD!) Sure, I wanted to dance as well as those others, but it didn't happen that time. Next time I will. Performance levels, like everything else in life, go up and down, and all I can do is my best at the time.
Blimey, that's all a bit positive and pro-active! :D I've still got lots to think of about it, and I'm a bit nervous about the DVD popping through my letterbox, but really, a performance that isn't great is not the end of the world. I just have to pick up my sparkly costume and keep going. At least my top didn't pop off or anything (got to look on the bright side!) :D
Saturday, 4 December 2010
Friday, 19 November 2010
Confidence Issues
Recently I've had a few problems with my confidence levels, in that it's all but disappeared :/ This is a recurring problem that I have, stemming from childhood bullying. As I get older, it gets easier to recognize when my confidence levels are dropping, and I develop a few more strategies, but it still really affects my life.
Dancing has increased my confidence amazingly. Before I started dancing, there were things I just would.not.do. I could not talk to people, at all. I could not express myself through words, and before dance, this was the only way I thought possible to express myself. There was no way that I would ever have considered getting up in front of a crowd of people, I would have run home to my bedroom and locked the door behind me first. I would never have considered myself able to organize anything. My only job had been summer employment, and there seemed no hope of anything else because of my horrible interview skills.
I recognize that I have come on a hell of a lot in the past 6 years. In my 30s, I feel similar to how I think I should have felt confidence-wise as a teenager. This may not seem like much, but it's far better than the child-like level I feel I was at before.
Through dance, I can express my emotions. I dance how the music makes me feel. Whether or not that is apparent to anyone watching is a whole other matter that I'm not even going to consider. See? I like other people's approval, but it's no longer my be-all-and-end-all. Much improvement! And I think that this being able to express my emotions thing has made me a little better at using words to do so, or at least being able to use body language in a conversation to help my expression.
I feel more able to do things. I seem to have some ability to dance (again, I'm telling myself this and telling myself not to think about whether other people think I have that ability), and seeing that I have this ability has made me realize that I have others. I've helped to organize various bellydance events, and I think that when circumstances allow me to enter the job market, I'll be a lot more confident about my abilities to do said job. I may even get past the first interview stage, who knows?
But that doesn't stop me dipping, unfortunately. Lately, I've been staying away from classes and social engagements because I just don't feel up to being in a large group (more than three counts as large right now, and that's including myself in the group!) I'm due to perform at a local hafla next Saturday, and I have so many nerves right now that I can't sleep for the music running through my head. I've been thinking about canceling my spot... I still don't know what I'm going to do about it. I have a video of myself dancing a hafla a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't even watched it yet, because I don't want to hate what I see :/
I know that eventually I'll come out of this dip, and be scheduling myself into every hafla possible. I'll be wiggling and shimmying in front of loads of people, and really enjoying it (my Mum still laughs (not meanly, just surprised!) when she sees videos of me, it seems so unlike me to her!). But that doesn't help right now. Forcing myself to go to class does make me feel better at the time, but there are some days when I just can't face it. I can barely get myself to go into the living room to see visitors, never mind make it to class. I suppose it's a massive improvement to know that it will go away eventually, and I have to satisfy myself with that and watching youtube videos of bellydance. That always makes me smile :)
Dancing has increased my confidence amazingly. Before I started dancing, there were things I just would.not.do. I could not talk to people, at all. I could not express myself through words, and before dance, this was the only way I thought possible to express myself. There was no way that I would ever have considered getting up in front of a crowd of people, I would have run home to my bedroom and locked the door behind me first. I would never have considered myself able to organize anything. My only job had been summer employment, and there seemed no hope of anything else because of my horrible interview skills.
I recognize that I have come on a hell of a lot in the past 6 years. In my 30s, I feel similar to how I think I should have felt confidence-wise as a teenager. This may not seem like much, but it's far better than the child-like level I feel I was at before.
Through dance, I can express my emotions. I dance how the music makes me feel. Whether or not that is apparent to anyone watching is a whole other matter that I'm not even going to consider. See? I like other people's approval, but it's no longer my be-all-and-end-all. Much improvement! And I think that this being able to express my emotions thing has made me a little better at using words to do so, or at least being able to use body language in a conversation to help my expression.
I feel more able to do things. I seem to have some ability to dance (again, I'm telling myself this and telling myself not to think about whether other people think I have that ability), and seeing that I have this ability has made me realize that I have others. I've helped to organize various bellydance events, and I think that when circumstances allow me to enter the job market, I'll be a lot more confident about my abilities to do said job. I may even get past the first interview stage, who knows?
But that doesn't stop me dipping, unfortunately. Lately, I've been staying away from classes and social engagements because I just don't feel up to being in a large group (more than three counts as large right now, and that's including myself in the group!) I'm due to perform at a local hafla next Saturday, and I have so many nerves right now that I can't sleep for the music running through my head. I've been thinking about canceling my spot... I still don't know what I'm going to do about it. I have a video of myself dancing a hafla a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't even watched it yet, because I don't want to hate what I see :/
I know that eventually I'll come out of this dip, and be scheduling myself into every hafla possible. I'll be wiggling and shimmying in front of loads of people, and really enjoying it (my Mum still laughs (not meanly, just surprised!) when she sees videos of me, it seems so unlike me to her!). But that doesn't help right now. Forcing myself to go to class does make me feel better at the time, but there are some days when I just can't face it. I can barely get myself to go into the living room to see visitors, never mind make it to class. I suppose it's a massive improvement to know that it will go away eventually, and I have to satisfy myself with that and watching youtube videos of bellydance. That always makes me smile :)
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
Bookings for April JoY now up!!
Yay!!!
http://www.jewelofyorkshire.co.uk/box-office/
The class lists for the next Jewel Of Yorkshire event are up on the website for booking!!
There are quite a few I'd like to do this time. I need to sit down with the list and decide. This is what I do - I print out the class list and sit with it for a few weeks, crossing and uncrossing classes. It's so hard to choose all the classes I want to do, taking into account my own stamina levels, time for shopping at the souk (so important at JoY, they have wonderful vendors!), and my budget. Otherwise I'd just fill up the two full days with classes and be utterly exhausted by the middle of Saturday afternoon!
So excited!!! Anyone else thinking of going?
http://www.jewelofyorkshire.co.uk/box-office/
The class lists for the next Jewel Of Yorkshire event are up on the website for booking!!
There are quite a few I'd like to do this time. I need to sit down with the list and decide. This is what I do - I print out the class list and sit with it for a few weeks, crossing and uncrossing classes. It's so hard to choose all the classes I want to do, taking into account my own stamina levels, time for shopping at the souk (so important at JoY, they have wonderful vendors!), and my budget. Otherwise I'd just fill up the two full days with classes and be utterly exhausted by the middle of Saturday afternoon!
So excited!!! Anyone else thinking of going?
Sunday, 10 October 2010
Jewel of Yorkshire October 2010
Jewel of Yorkshire this year was amazing!!! I think I've just about recovered now to write about it :)
We traveled down on Friday afternoon, and got to Yorkshire about 6ish I think. The journey down was lots of fun, 4 women in the car making rude jokes all the way down, nothing better than that! ;) We had dinner at the Tapas Tree restaurant, which is a great place to eat; the staff are wonderful and the food is soooooo good!!! And apparently the restaurant has a website: http://www.tapastreeshipley.co.uk/ It's directly across from the hotel, so it's very convenient.
Saturday, most of us had workshops first thing in the morning, so it was up early, eat breakfast at the hotel, then walk along the canal to the venue. It had been pouring down with rain the day before, so the path was a little(!) muddy, but we got there without getting too wet or dirty. (I wore heeled boots, I'd learned from last time!)
My first workshop was with Razia, an American dancer based in London. (her website is here: http://www.raziadance.com/ ) She is amazing!! She's so friendly and approachable, and a lovely person. And her dancing is beautiful!! She was one of my favourites from the hafla at night (but more on that later). The workshop was on vintage American Cabaret Style. I learned a lot about how bellydance developed in America from Razia, and how the moves, music etc evolved. She's a great teacher, and I would highly recommend going to see her or taking a workshop from her if you have the chance, she's awesome!
My second workshop was straight after that: Tribal/Goth makeup with Beverley Spracklen (www.myspace.com/amethystine_tribal). This was a lot of fun! She showed us how she puts on her make-up for tribal shows, and the influences from eighties punk/goth artists. She gave us a list of brands that she uses too, which was really helpful. I'm not usually very girly, so the whole make-up thing kinda passed me by. I can slap it on, but I'm definitely an amateur! Her information made me feel a whole lot more confident about it though, and she even showed us how to get liquid eyeliner to go straight! (small lines at a time, and plenty of wetted cotton buds) I've had such problems with that in the past :)
The third workshop was Vamp Up Your Wings with Christine Emery. This was so much fun! She showed us some vampire inspired moves to do with Isis Wings. More old-style threatening vampire than teenage sparkler, much more my kind of thing!! I'm planning to do a vampire Isis Wings dance at a hafla sometime now because of this workshop, it was so much fun!!
The rest of Saturday, I shopped. The first thing I looked for was a cabaret costume, as it's about time that I got one. I got a purple/pink one from Farida Dance, which I really like. No photos of me in it yet, but there will be soon! ;) Then I had a look about for more costume pieces, but I couldn't really see anything that I liked enough, and that I would actually wear. There were a lot of tribal fusion type clothes that I liked, but I'm doing more Oriental dancing just now, and I just couldn't justify spending the money when I wouldn't be using it. So I went to the Aladdin's Cave stall and bought lots of DVDs. I got
On Saturday night there was the hafla with performances from the teachers. There so many amazing dances! I didn't take any photos this year, I decided to sit and just watch the dancing for once, and not get distracted by the camera. This was a good idea! My favourite dancers were (not in any particular order) Beverley Spracklen (dancing to Rob Zombie's Dragula, yay!), Razia (just beautiful!), Ozgen (I was just breathless after watching his energetic dance, amazing!), and Candi Bell. This was her last dance at JoY as she's retiring, and boy, was it an exit and a half!! There's a video on YouTube here: it was just amazing! I'm sad she's retiring, she always dances with such joy and happiness, her expressions just radiate that, and it makes me feel happy watching her dance.
On Sunday I just had the one workshop. It was another with Razia: Flawless Floorwork Fundamentals. Let me tell you, I was sore for days after doing this, but in a good way. Not hurt at all, just my muscles complaining that I don't always work them like that! She did a really comprehensive warm-up with us and some strength training exercises for our legs and core muscles, which made it a lot easier to actually do the moves! Again, she's so friendly, and has such an infectious sense of humour that two hours of hard work was lots of fun! I want to go to more of her workshops!!! (pout!)
And after all that, I was knackered. We came straight back up to Scotland after that, another 6 hours in the car. (Thinking about it, that's probably why my legs were stiff!)
I had a great time at JoY! I always come back so energised about dance after this festival. I've got April's list of classes, now I just need to find people to go with... (off to bug all my friends now!)
We traveled down on Friday afternoon, and got to Yorkshire about 6ish I think. The journey down was lots of fun, 4 women in the car making rude jokes all the way down, nothing better than that! ;) We had dinner at the Tapas Tree restaurant, which is a great place to eat; the staff are wonderful and the food is soooooo good!!! And apparently the restaurant has a website: http://www.tapastreeshipley.co.uk/ It's directly across from the hotel, so it's very convenient.
Saturday, most of us had workshops first thing in the morning, so it was up early, eat breakfast at the hotel, then walk along the canal to the venue. It had been pouring down with rain the day before, so the path was a little(!) muddy, but we got there without getting too wet or dirty. (I wore heeled boots, I'd learned from last time!)
My first workshop was with Razia, an American dancer based in London. (her website is here: http://www.raziadance.com/ ) She is amazing!! She's so friendly and approachable, and a lovely person. And her dancing is beautiful!! She was one of my favourites from the hafla at night (but more on that later). The workshop was on vintage American Cabaret Style. I learned a lot about how bellydance developed in America from Razia, and how the moves, music etc evolved. She's a great teacher, and I would highly recommend going to see her or taking a workshop from her if you have the chance, she's awesome!
My second workshop was straight after that: Tribal/Goth makeup with Beverley Spracklen (www.myspace.com/amethystine_tribal). This was a lot of fun! She showed us how she puts on her make-up for tribal shows, and the influences from eighties punk/goth artists. She gave us a list of brands that she uses too, which was really helpful. I'm not usually very girly, so the whole make-up thing kinda passed me by. I can slap it on, but I'm definitely an amateur! Her information made me feel a whole lot more confident about it though, and she even showed us how to get liquid eyeliner to go straight! (small lines at a time, and plenty of wetted cotton buds) I've had such problems with that in the past :)
The third workshop was Vamp Up Your Wings with Christine Emery. This was so much fun! She showed us some vampire inspired moves to do with Isis Wings. More old-style threatening vampire than teenage sparkler, much more my kind of thing!! I'm planning to do a vampire Isis Wings dance at a hafla sometime now because of this workshop, it was so much fun!!
The rest of Saturday, I shopped. The first thing I looked for was a cabaret costume, as it's about time that I got one. I got a purple/pink one from Farida Dance, which I really like. No photos of me in it yet, but there will be soon! ;) Then I had a look about for more costume pieces, but I couldn't really see anything that I liked enough, and that I would actually wear. There were a lot of tribal fusion type clothes that I liked, but I'm doing more Oriental dancing just now, and I just couldn't justify spending the money when I wouldn't be using it. So I went to the Aladdin's Cave stall and bought lots of DVDs. I got
On Saturday night there was the hafla with performances from the teachers. There so many amazing dances! I didn't take any photos this year, I decided to sit and just watch the dancing for once, and not get distracted by the camera. This was a good idea! My favourite dancers were (not in any particular order) Beverley Spracklen (dancing to Rob Zombie's Dragula, yay!), Razia (just beautiful!), Ozgen (I was just breathless after watching his energetic dance, amazing!), and Candi Bell. This was her last dance at JoY as she's retiring, and boy, was it an exit and a half!! There's a video on YouTube here: it was just amazing! I'm sad she's retiring, she always dances with such joy and happiness, her expressions just radiate that, and it makes me feel happy watching her dance.
On Sunday I just had the one workshop. It was another with Razia: Flawless Floorwork Fundamentals. Let me tell you, I was sore for days after doing this, but in a good way. Not hurt at all, just my muscles complaining that I don't always work them like that! She did a really comprehensive warm-up with us and some strength training exercises for our legs and core muscles, which made it a lot easier to actually do the moves! Again, she's so friendly, and has such an infectious sense of humour that two hours of hard work was lots of fun! I want to go to more of her workshops!!! (pout!)
And after all that, I was knackered. We came straight back up to Scotland after that, another 6 hours in the car. (Thinking about it, that's probably why my legs were stiff!)
I had a great time at JoY! I always come back so energised about dance after this festival. I've got April's list of classes, now I just need to find people to go with... (off to bug all my friends now!)
Another Video
I'm heading off to Jewel of Yorkshire tomorrow!!
I'm ridiculously excited about this year's JoY. I've been literally counting down the days for the past two weeks! I'm doing workshops with Razia about American Cabaret bellydance, and one called Flawless Floorwork Fundamentals :) I'm also doing workshops in Tribal/Goth make-up, and gothic style Isis Wings. I'm so exicted!!!
Speaking of Isis Wings, I performed at a hafla last Saturday, and have uploaded the video to YouTube. Here it is:
I was dancing to Aziza by Hossam Ramzy. I love dancing with wings to this song, lots of spinny bits :)
The hafla was raising money for Clic Sargent, which is a totally worthy cause. We raised £302, yay!
I've been getting way back into dancing recently. I've been doing it for the past 6/7 years, and I feel right now like I did when I first started. I've got that excitement and enthusiasm about it back! I'll need to write a blog post about that soon. I'll try write some things while I'm at JoY on bits of paper, then post it properly when I get back!
I'm ridiculously excited about this year's JoY. I've been literally counting down the days for the past two weeks! I'm doing workshops with Razia about American Cabaret bellydance, and one called Flawless Floorwork Fundamentals :) I'm also doing workshops in Tribal/Goth make-up, and gothic style Isis Wings. I'm so exicted!!!
Speaking of Isis Wings, I performed at a hafla last Saturday, and have uploaded the video to YouTube. Here it is:
I was dancing to Aziza by Hossam Ramzy. I love dancing with wings to this song, lots of spinny bits :)
The hafla was raising money for Clic Sargent, which is a totally worthy cause. We raised £302, yay!
I've been getting way back into dancing recently. I've been doing it for the past 6/7 years, and I feel right now like I did when I first started. I've got that excitement and enthusiasm about it back! I'll need to write a blog post about that soon. I'll try write some things while I'm at JoY on bits of paper, then post it properly when I get back!
A Video!!
I finally worked up the courage to put a video of me dancing onto the internet (eep!).
I was dancing to Yasmina by Guy Manoukian. This was half choreographed/half improvised. By the second half of the dance I was getting more into the music, which I think helped my dancing a lot.
This was at a local hafla I helped organise - I was in charge of the running order/getting music together etc, as well as helping with general organisation. Tip to myself for next year - start getting info in June (the hafla's in August, I'll need at least that long!!)
It turned out to be a really good night, lots of fantastic dancers, including a couple of people soloing for the first time (I wish I had been that good in my first solo!!!), and we raised £400 for a local charity. :) We're already making plans for next years hafla!
I was dancing to Yasmina by Guy Manoukian. This was half choreographed/half improvised. By the second half of the dance I was getting more into the music, which I think helped my dancing a lot.
This was at a local hafla I helped organise - I was in charge of the running order/getting music together etc, as well as helping with general organisation. Tip to myself for next year - start getting info in June (the hafla's in August, I'll need at least that long!!)
It turned out to be a really good night, lots of fantastic dancers, including a couple of people soloing for the first time (I wish I had been that good in my first solo!!!), and we raised £400 for a local charity. :) We're already making plans for next years hafla!
Copying Old Posts
I'm going to copy some recent bellydance posts over here from my other blog (http://yarn-dancer.blogspot.com) I've decided not to copy all of them, just recent, relevant stuff. If you want to see the old post, they're over there tagged with bellydance.
I'm going to write about bellydance exclusively here as I think it's all getting muddled and lost over there, and it's about time I separated it all. This space will be only for dance stuff. I'm hoping the separation will make it easier for me to actually get round to writing without worrying about the muddle.
I'm going to write about bellydance exclusively here as I think it's all getting muddled and lost over there, and it's about time I separated it all. This space will be only for dance stuff. I'm hoping the separation will make it easier for me to actually get round to writing without worrying about the muddle.
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