So, I managed last week to muster up the courage to watch the DVD of my performance in November...
I'm torn between being happy with my dancing, and not happy with my performance skills. My dancing was good. Much better than I thought it was. Yet I was suffering from a huge confidence drop at the time, and it was so apparent. I just looked terrified.
My confidence is coming back somewhat. Over the past few months it's been returning to me, and I've been going to more social events, and not skipping class because I'm scared of talking to the people there (how silly is that, BTW?! They're all lovely people, and friendly and non-judgemental, yet when my confidence goes, I just want to hide from everyone, I guess) The very fact that I felt good enough to watch the DVD even though I was sure it was my worst performance EVER, and that I thought I had repeated the same two moves over and over, is proof of that. I just told myself I could switch it off if it was too terrible, and I managed to switch it on.
I'm glad I did. I know now that my dancing is OK, that I can do more than two moves, even when I'm so nervous that I can't remember what I'm doing. Sure, my face was terrified, and frozen in place, and I looked more than a little lost. But despite that, the moves were good. There was a good range, and I executed them (quite) well. I know now that even when I'm scared ****less, I can dance.
Hopefully, that will help with the whole frozen face thing. If I can remember this for next time I dance, then hopefully I'll be thinking good thoughts about my dancing and those'll show through in my face. I hope it'll help me be calmer, and not terrified that I'm doing the same move over and over, then walking about a little bit (which is what I thought I was doing) If I can tap into these thoughts at the time, hopefully I'll be able to enjoy the dancing, and that definitely shows through when that happens.
So, I won't be posting a video of this particular dance as it's just too amateurish with my scared expression, but overall I'm pleased with it, and I learned something from watching it, yay! That's always a good thing :)
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Wednesday, 23 March 2011
Saturday, 4 December 2010
When Dancing Goes Bleugh
Well, I did my performance last week. I spent right up until the interval of the hafla thinking I should just bow out, plead illness or something, because I was so nervous. Maybe I should have done so after all...
I don't think my performance was bad. I just definitely am not as happy with it as I have been with other dances. It just felt like I was doing the same moves over and over, which didn't even feel like particularly interesting moves. I did only a few of the things I had planned, and only remembered the other things when I was at a completely different part of the music. Judging from the reaction I got from other people as well I think I wasn't up to my usual standard. Not that anyone said it was rubbish or anything, I can just tell. Or is that me projecting my own thoughts onto them? :)
I guess I'll be able to tell for sure when the DVD comes out. (this hafla is filmed) I didn't get anyone to film me on my own camera, which is probably just as well as I wouldn't even have wanted to watch it yet :)
The thing is, I don't feel as bad as I thought I would after performing "badly". Like I said, I don't think it was bad, just not great (Now I'm thinking about how this paragraph is going to be revisited when I get the DVD, lol) There was a moment just after the dance when I kinda wanted to run to the bathroom and cry, but I was on the other side of the room, so had to hold it in till at least after the dancer who was on had finished, and by then the almost-tears had subsided. Now, I just feel like it's in the past - I can't change it, but I can work harder next time and make the next performance better. That is a very strange thing for me to think. Normally, after doing something "badly" I would just give up on whatever activity I was doing and go hide in a corner. But really, it's not making me depressed or anything like it normally would. I'm just kind of meh about it. (lol, meh about the bleugh!) Again, this statement will probably be completely different after watching the DVD :) Just have to wait and see.
Things I've learned from this:
I find this song somewhat intimidating and hard to perform to. (It was Habibi Ya Eini by Nourhanne) I love the song, but somehow I find it difficult. I should maybe try choreograph a routine to it instead of trying to improvise. maybe some songs are just better choreographed.
To pay attention to my feelings before a performance. If I'm that nervous again, I will either cancel my performance, or arrange to change the music to something I'm comfortable with.
To try even harder to not look at the scary non-smiling person in the front row. Arg! I think a whole blog post needs to be written about how to be a supportive audience member, and then it needs to be emailed out! OK, not going so far as to email it, because that sort of person wouldn't pay attention to it anyway, but it definitely needs written. And I need to work on strategies for ignoring that type of audience member. I tried to concentrate on the smiley, friendly people in the audience, but you know how it is, you just keep looking back to see if they're smiling yet. And it doesn't help your confidence or your performance.
That maybe this hafla and venue is just not a good one for me. I don't think I've ever performed to my best there in the few years I've been dancing at it. I don't know if it's the size of the hall, or the fact that it's being filmed, or what, but something isn't working for me.
That it really doesn't matter if you have an off day (of course I'm speaking for non-professional, amateur hafla performances here). There were so many other fantastic dancers there that nobody will really remember (and of course, I'm ignoring the fact that there will be a DVD!) Sure, I wanted to dance as well as those others, but it didn't happen that time. Next time I will. Performance levels, like everything else in life, go up and down, and all I can do is my best at the time.
Blimey, that's all a bit positive and pro-active! :D I've still got lots to think of about it, and I'm a bit nervous about the DVD popping through my letterbox, but really, a performance that isn't great is not the end of the world. I just have to pick up my sparkly costume and keep going. At least my top didn't pop off or anything (got to look on the bright side!) :D
I don't think my performance was bad. I just definitely am not as happy with it as I have been with other dances. It just felt like I was doing the same moves over and over, which didn't even feel like particularly interesting moves. I did only a few of the things I had planned, and only remembered the other things when I was at a completely different part of the music. Judging from the reaction I got from other people as well I think I wasn't up to my usual standard. Not that anyone said it was rubbish or anything, I can just tell. Or is that me projecting my own thoughts onto them? :)
I guess I'll be able to tell for sure when the DVD comes out. (this hafla is filmed) I didn't get anyone to film me on my own camera, which is probably just as well as I wouldn't even have wanted to watch it yet :)
The thing is, I don't feel as bad as I thought I would after performing "badly". Like I said, I don't think it was bad, just not great (Now I'm thinking about how this paragraph is going to be revisited when I get the DVD, lol) There was a moment just after the dance when I kinda wanted to run to the bathroom and cry, but I was on the other side of the room, so had to hold it in till at least after the dancer who was on had finished, and by then the almost-tears had subsided. Now, I just feel like it's in the past - I can't change it, but I can work harder next time and make the next performance better. That is a very strange thing for me to think. Normally, after doing something "badly" I would just give up on whatever activity I was doing and go hide in a corner. But really, it's not making me depressed or anything like it normally would. I'm just kind of meh about it. (lol, meh about the bleugh!) Again, this statement will probably be completely different after watching the DVD :) Just have to wait and see.
Things I've learned from this:
I find this song somewhat intimidating and hard to perform to. (It was Habibi Ya Eini by Nourhanne) I love the song, but somehow I find it difficult. I should maybe try choreograph a routine to it instead of trying to improvise. maybe some songs are just better choreographed.
To pay attention to my feelings before a performance. If I'm that nervous again, I will either cancel my performance, or arrange to change the music to something I'm comfortable with.
To try even harder to not look at the scary non-smiling person in the front row. Arg! I think a whole blog post needs to be written about how to be a supportive audience member, and then it needs to be emailed out! OK, not going so far as to email it, because that sort of person wouldn't pay attention to it anyway, but it definitely needs written. And I need to work on strategies for ignoring that type of audience member. I tried to concentrate on the smiley, friendly people in the audience, but you know how it is, you just keep looking back to see if they're smiling yet. And it doesn't help your confidence or your performance.
That maybe this hafla and venue is just not a good one for me. I don't think I've ever performed to my best there in the few years I've been dancing at it. I don't know if it's the size of the hall, or the fact that it's being filmed, or what, but something isn't working for me.
That it really doesn't matter if you have an off day (of course I'm speaking for non-professional, amateur hafla performances here). There were so many other fantastic dancers there that nobody will really remember (and of course, I'm ignoring the fact that there will be a DVD!) Sure, I wanted to dance as well as those others, but it didn't happen that time. Next time I will. Performance levels, like everything else in life, go up and down, and all I can do is my best at the time.
Blimey, that's all a bit positive and pro-active! :D I've still got lots to think of about it, and I'm a bit nervous about the DVD popping through my letterbox, but really, a performance that isn't great is not the end of the world. I just have to pick up my sparkly costume and keep going. At least my top didn't pop off or anything (got to look on the bright side!) :D
Friday, 19 November 2010
Confidence Issues
Recently I've had a few problems with my confidence levels, in that it's all but disappeared :/ This is a recurring problem that I have, stemming from childhood bullying. As I get older, it gets easier to recognize when my confidence levels are dropping, and I develop a few more strategies, but it still really affects my life.
Dancing has increased my confidence amazingly. Before I started dancing, there were things I just would.not.do. I could not talk to people, at all. I could not express myself through words, and before dance, this was the only way I thought possible to express myself. There was no way that I would ever have considered getting up in front of a crowd of people, I would have run home to my bedroom and locked the door behind me first. I would never have considered myself able to organize anything. My only job had been summer employment, and there seemed no hope of anything else because of my horrible interview skills.
I recognize that I have come on a hell of a lot in the past 6 years. In my 30s, I feel similar to how I think I should have felt confidence-wise as a teenager. This may not seem like much, but it's far better than the child-like level I feel I was at before.
Through dance, I can express my emotions. I dance how the music makes me feel. Whether or not that is apparent to anyone watching is a whole other matter that I'm not even going to consider. See? I like other people's approval, but it's no longer my be-all-and-end-all. Much improvement! And I think that this being able to express my emotions thing has made me a little better at using words to do so, or at least being able to use body language in a conversation to help my expression.
I feel more able to do things. I seem to have some ability to dance (again, I'm telling myself this and telling myself not to think about whether other people think I have that ability), and seeing that I have this ability has made me realize that I have others. I've helped to organize various bellydance events, and I think that when circumstances allow me to enter the job market, I'll be a lot more confident about my abilities to do said job. I may even get past the first interview stage, who knows?
But that doesn't stop me dipping, unfortunately. Lately, I've been staying away from classes and social engagements because I just don't feel up to being in a large group (more than three counts as large right now, and that's including myself in the group!) I'm due to perform at a local hafla next Saturday, and I have so many nerves right now that I can't sleep for the music running through my head. I've been thinking about canceling my spot... I still don't know what I'm going to do about it. I have a video of myself dancing a hafla a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't even watched it yet, because I don't want to hate what I see :/
I know that eventually I'll come out of this dip, and be scheduling myself into every hafla possible. I'll be wiggling and shimmying in front of loads of people, and really enjoying it (my Mum still laughs (not meanly, just surprised!) when she sees videos of me, it seems so unlike me to her!). But that doesn't help right now. Forcing myself to go to class does make me feel better at the time, but there are some days when I just can't face it. I can barely get myself to go into the living room to see visitors, never mind make it to class. I suppose it's a massive improvement to know that it will go away eventually, and I have to satisfy myself with that and watching youtube videos of bellydance. That always makes me smile :)
Dancing has increased my confidence amazingly. Before I started dancing, there were things I just would.not.do. I could not talk to people, at all. I could not express myself through words, and before dance, this was the only way I thought possible to express myself. There was no way that I would ever have considered getting up in front of a crowd of people, I would have run home to my bedroom and locked the door behind me first. I would never have considered myself able to organize anything. My only job had been summer employment, and there seemed no hope of anything else because of my horrible interview skills.
I recognize that I have come on a hell of a lot in the past 6 years. In my 30s, I feel similar to how I think I should have felt confidence-wise as a teenager. This may not seem like much, but it's far better than the child-like level I feel I was at before.
Through dance, I can express my emotions. I dance how the music makes me feel. Whether or not that is apparent to anyone watching is a whole other matter that I'm not even going to consider. See? I like other people's approval, but it's no longer my be-all-and-end-all. Much improvement! And I think that this being able to express my emotions thing has made me a little better at using words to do so, or at least being able to use body language in a conversation to help my expression.
I feel more able to do things. I seem to have some ability to dance (again, I'm telling myself this and telling myself not to think about whether other people think I have that ability), and seeing that I have this ability has made me realize that I have others. I've helped to organize various bellydance events, and I think that when circumstances allow me to enter the job market, I'll be a lot more confident about my abilities to do said job. I may even get past the first interview stage, who knows?
But that doesn't stop me dipping, unfortunately. Lately, I've been staying away from classes and social engagements because I just don't feel up to being in a large group (more than three counts as large right now, and that's including myself in the group!) I'm due to perform at a local hafla next Saturday, and I have so many nerves right now that I can't sleep for the music running through my head. I've been thinking about canceling my spot... I still don't know what I'm going to do about it. I have a video of myself dancing a hafla a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't even watched it yet, because I don't want to hate what I see :/
I know that eventually I'll come out of this dip, and be scheduling myself into every hafla possible. I'll be wiggling and shimmying in front of loads of people, and really enjoying it (my Mum still laughs (not meanly, just surprised!) when she sees videos of me, it seems so unlike me to her!). But that doesn't help right now. Forcing myself to go to class does make me feel better at the time, but there are some days when I just can't face it. I can barely get myself to go into the living room to see visitors, never mind make it to class. I suppose it's a massive improvement to know that it will go away eventually, and I have to satisfy myself with that and watching youtube videos of bellydance. That always makes me smile :)
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